


Scars and All

by Sebastianthegiraffe13



Series: Shadows and Flickering Flame [2]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Hux thinks he's gorgeous, M/M, Mentions of past self-harm, Ren is a nervous wreck, SO MUCH FLUFF, Self Confidence Issues, The fluff is strong with this one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-28
Updated: 2016-05-28
Packaged: 2018-07-10 17:31:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6997933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sebastianthegiraffe13/pseuds/Sebastianthegiraffe13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ren is more than a little self-conscious, Hux has discovered in the year they've been living together. A rare moment of tenderness between them may be just what Hux needs to convince Ren that he adores him, warts and all. Although scars and all might be more appropriate in this case.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Scars and All

**Author's Note:**

> I'm trying something a little different. Still from Hux's POV though, just because he's so much easier to write than Ren.  
> Anyway, Ren has severe self-confidence/self-consciousness issues. There's crying and kissing and mentions of self-harm, so if any of that's triggering to you, please proceed with caution.  
> Mostly this is just fluff though.  
> Enjoy! :)

Ren isn’t home when Hux gets in, which bothers Hux more than he would ever admit. There’s a note stuck to the kitchen table though, which reads:  
_Got called into work, be back later than usual, probs 10ish.  
Ren_

Hux crumples the note and throws it away, like it’s offended him by being there when Ren isn’t. Which is silly really, because Ren is often not around, but somehow Hux has got used to Ren being in when he gets home. Somehow Ren has wormed his peculiar grumpy way into Hux’s evening routine and now that he’s out Hux doesn’t quite know what to do with himself.

Dinner, he supposes, hearing his stomach rumble quietly. But Ren usually cooks and the only thing they’ve got which doesn’t require serious culinary skills basically amounts to baked beans on toast. Hux shrugs, that will have to do.

It really isn’t that bad, Hux muses to himself, eating beans on toast in front of the TV, watching some stupid quiz show. In fact, all his evenings used to be like this, until the day his ad about the spare room was answered by a man named Kylo Ren. That’s when everything changed.

Ren is quirky and generally quite sweet, with a sarcastic sense of humour that Hux really appreciates. His cooking skills are impressive, and for a person who seems to care little about his appearance, he’s actually quite tidy.  But he’s also very self-conscious and never shows much skin, even just around the house. It’s one of only a few things that really bother Hux about his room-mate-almost-boyfriend. Which is another thing.

They admitted their feelings for each other after living together for about eight months, but since then nothing much has happened. Hux kisses Ren almost every morning when he leaves for work and almost every evening when he says goodnight, but Ren’s never really returned the gesture. It’s certainly never progressed beyond there. There was one night where it almost went further, but Ren’s self-consciousness got in the way and he ended up in tears. They’ve left it alone since then.

* * *

 

True to his word, Ren is back around 10. Hux is in bed reading, when he hears the front door open. Ren wanders into the room and collapses face-down on the bed.

“Long day?” Hux inquires, grinning.

Ren groans,  
“You have no idea,” He says, his voice slightly muffled by the blankets.

Hux puts his book down and reaches over to tangle his fingers through Ren’s curls. This is a gesture that Ren definitely likes, since he rumbles deep in his throat and stretches up into the touch like some giant cat.  
“You coming to bed any time soon? Or you just going to stay there and try and be Millicent?”

Ren rolls his eyes,  
“In a bit. I want to have a shower first.” He stands up and stretches.

Hux takes this time to notice what Ren’s wearing. This is the part that puzzles him; it’s not like Ren shies away from showing off his lean toned frame, he just never reveals much skin. Today, for example, he’s wearing black skinny jeans that do wonders for his long legs, a white t-shirt and his black leather jacket, which really shows off his broad shoulders and muscled arms. But the sleeves of his jacket are down and he has a navy scarf round his neck, even though it’s quite warm in the flat.

“You okay?” Hux asks.

Ren blinks, surprised,  
“Mmhmm. Why wouldn’t I be?”

Hux shrugs,  
“You always wear so many layers. I worry sometimes.”

Ren gives him a funny half-smile that doesn’t quite meet his eyes,  
“I’m fine, Hux. Don’t worry about me.”

He disappears towards the bathroom and Hux mutters to himself,  
“But I do worry about you, Ren. More so lately.”

And he does. Ren never says anything, but sometimes Hux catches him staring off into space with tears in his eyes. He knows Ren doesn’t like talking about his feelings, so he never mentions it. But he does worry. Only a few days ago, he overheard Ren crying softly in the bathroom and sometimes he finds sharp objects in strange places around the flat.

The most frightening episode was when Hux got home to find Ren sitting in the kitchen staring at his hand, having cut himself quite deeply. Nothing had been said as Hux wrapped Ren’s hand in gauze and kissed him gently, but that was almost more unsettling than if Ren had burst into tears like he sometimes does.

Ren emerges from the bathroom half an hour later, wearing shorts, socks and a loose jumper; his sleeping clothes. Hux watches him closely, concerned when he notices that Ren seems to be shaking.

“You okay?”

Ren glances up from folding his clothes neatly,  
“Yeah, why?”

“You’re shaking.” Hux points out.

Ren shrugs as he climbs into bed,  
“Just had a long day, been on my feet since half past nine.” Then he rolls over so his back is to Hux and falls quiet.

Hux keeps an eye on him as he finishes his current chapter but Ren doesn’t move, except to shift position slightly. But when Hux puts his book down and turns off the light, Ren makes a choked sort of noise and begins shivering. At first Hux thinks it’s just because he’s cold and wonders briefly why Ren doesn’t wear long pants to bed. Then he realises Ren is sobbing, almost silently and trying not to.

“Hey,” Hux says softly, slipping one arm around the younger man’s shoulders, “What’s wrong?”

Usually when this happens, Ren wipes his eyes hurriedly and pretends he wasn’t crying. But this time he just rolls over and buries his face into Hux’s chest, still shaking. Hot tears dampen Hux’s shirt, but he finds he can’t bring himself to care. Not now, probably not ever again.

After a few minutes, Ren seems to get himself back under control.  
“Sorry,” He says shakily, wiping his eyes with his sleeve.

Hux kisses his forehead lightly,  
“It’s okay. Are you alright though?”

Ren begins to say he’s fine then catches the look on Hux’s face and thinks better of it,  
“Not really,” It’s a barely audible murmur and it’s accompanied by a look so sad that it makes Hux want to cry himself.

“What happened? Was it something at work?”

“Yes,” Ren sighs, voice cracking, “One of the guys said something a bit offensive.”

Hux wraps his arms around Ren and rests his chin on the soft curls,  
“Do you want to talk about it? Or would you rather just go to sleep?”

Ren responds by turning over and nuzzling Hux’s collarbone,  
“No and also no. Can we just cuddle?”

* * *

 

Although Hux is pleasantly surprised by this turn of events, he only submits to about two minutes of Ren snuggling against him before he grips his room-mate’s shoulders and pulls back.

“Hey, what’s up? Not that I mind, but this really isn’t like you.”

“I thought you’d be pleased. You’re always so open and loving with me, I thought you’d appreciate it.” Ren sounds upset.

Hux brushes a loose curl out of Ren’s eye,  
“I do appreciate it, but I don’t want you to do things you’re not comfortable with. Don’t feel like you have to do this just to please me.”

Ren sits up,  
“I actually do want to do this, I want our relationship to progress.” He runs both hands through his hair, a sure sign that he’s nervous, “It’s just…”

Hux sits up too,  
“Does it have something to do with what your co-worker said?”

“Yes,” Ren says in a small voice, “And all the odd little things I’ve been doing lately.”

“Are you going to tell me what he said?”

There’s a long pause, then Ren answers,  
“We had a group of guys come in tonight. Apparently, one of their friends committed suicide a year ago and they were there to honour his memory or something. I thought it was really sweet. Anyway, the minute they were out the door, one of the others was like, ‘Suicide is cowardice talking, even self-harming is just cos you’re too scared to face your problems like a man.’ That was what set me off.”

Hux frowns, then suddenly it clicks.  
“Is this the reason why you always wear so many layers?”

Ren curls in on himself,  
“Yes, I don’t want you to see what I’ve done to myself. It’s shameful and I should be stronger than this.”

“Can I see?” Hux asks gently, “It’s okay if you don’t want to show me, but I’d like to see if that’s alright.”

Ren blinks in astonishment a few times,  
“Umm, sure.”

He pushes the blankets down around his hips, then removes his jumper. His skin is very pale, splotched with dark freckles and when he turns his hands palms-up, there’s a long scar running parallel down his right forearm and a set of smaller perpendicular ones down the left. Hux brushes his fingers over them lightly, watching Ren’s face closely.

“This isn’t all of them, is it?”

Ren’s lips quirk into a slight grin,  
“How’d you guess?”

Hux raises one eyebrow,  
“Because I’ve lived with you for almost a year. I know when you’re hiding things.”

Ren hesitates for a moment, before slowly removing his t-shirt as well. It’s the first time Hux has seen Ren with no shirt on and he can’t help his slight intake of breath. The combination of broad well-muscled shoulders and a lean flat stomach speaks worlds about Ren’s background as both a swimmer and a long-distance runner.  
Strange how someone so toned can be so skinny, Hux thinks.

A long ragged scar cuts across Ren’s right shoulder, stretching up his neck and halfway down his arm. As he turns towards Hux, Hux notices the burn-like scar across his left side, close to his hip.

“Did you give yourself those?”

Ren fidgets,  
“Not originally, but I did make them worse.”

Hux traces his shoulder scar gently, watching Ren for any sign of discomfort,  
“I won’t press you if you don’t want to tell me.”

Ren shivers,  
“I’d rather not. Let’s just say I was in a rather dark place just after I finished high school.” He shifts round so he’s facing Hux straight-on, “You’re not disgusted by them? You don’t think I’m hideous?”

“Of course not.” Hux says in shock, “I’m a little sad that you went through whatever made you do it, but I’m not disgusted. You’re gorgeous, Ren.”

Ren fixes Hux with his deep dark gaze,  
“You really think so?”

Hux kisses Ren’s nose,  
“Yes, I do think you’re gorgeous. I have from the moment I first met you.”

“Then you don’t think my scars, my self-harming, you don’t think it makes me weak?” Ren still seems unsure.

“Of course I don’t,” Hux reassures him, “If anything I think it shows you’re strong.”

“Strong?” Ren echoes in disbelief, “How?”

Hux wraps his arms around Ren’s shoulders and rocks them back and forth,  
“Because you’re still here. You’ve fought your way through whatever dark place you were in and made it out the other side. That makes you strong, no matter what anyone else says. Okay?”

Ren manages a small smile,  
“Okay.” He yawns, resting his head on Hux’s shoulder, “Can we sleep now?”

“Of course,” Hux says, releasing Ren and settling down again. Ren flops down beside him and is asleep within seconds.

The redhead remains awake for a few minutes, stroking Ren’s dark hair,  
“You are strong, Kylo Ren, even if you don’t always believe it. And I’m going to make you see yourself the same way I do; gorgeous and strong and perfect.”

* * *

 

“Shit, where is it?”

Hux wakes to the sound of Ren cursing. The redhead blinks sleepily and watches Ren flying around the room for a few seconds.

“What’s wrong?”

Ren flinches and turns away hurriedly,  
“Nothing. Sorry I woke you, go back to sleep.”

That has Hux worried,  
“Ren, what’s the matter? You know you can tell me.”

“I’ve just lost something rather important,” Ren says quickly.

Hux frowns,  
“What’s so important that it has you in such a state this early in the morning?”

Ren fidgets, still facing away from Hux,  
“My concealer’s gone missing. I think it must have fallen out of my bag when I was at work last night.”

Ren wears concealer to hide his freckles, which Hux thinks is ridiculous. He thinks Ren looks quite cute with all those little dark flecks marking his face, like a careless painter flicked him with a paintbrush.

“Do you need it right now this minute?” Hux asks, sitting up.

“Well, no,” Ren says, rummaging in his drawers, “But I would quite like to know where it is, or if I have another one.”

Hux raises an eyebrow,  
“Why though? It’s a Saturday. You don’t work on Saturdays.”

Ren rounds on him,  
“Because I don’t just use it to cover my freckles, Hux!” He gestures wildly to his face, half hidden behind his messy hair, “I use it to cover this!” He slumps down on the floor and buries his face in his hands, his shoulders shaking in silent sobs for the second time in as many days.

Hux’s body is out of bed and kneeling next to the sobbing Ren before his brain has a chance to catch up. He puts his arms around Ren and pulls him close.

“Hey, it’s okay.”

Ren just makes a funny strangled squeak and carries on crying into Hux’s shoulder. Hux rubs circles into his back with one hand, the other tangling in Ren’s hair.

It takes a while, but eventually Ren calms down.

“You must think me such a wimp,” He says, rubbing a hand across his eyes, “That’s the second time in the past twenty-four hours you’ve held me while I cried my eyes out.”

Hux grins,  
“I’ll expect you to return the favour if I ever have a breakdown. Deal?”

Ren sniffs,  
“Deal.”

“Now, what has you so upset?”

Ren still hasn’t raised his face out of its curtain of hair,  
“If I show you, you have to promise not to kick me out straight away.”

Hux is puzzled,  
“Why would I do that?”

Ren lifts his head. His face is paler than usual and marked with tear tracks, his deep brown eyes a little misty. Cutting between his eyes to slide down the right side of his face and onto his neck is a long scar, the same shade of faded reddish-pink as the one on his shoulder.

Ren bites his lip,  
“This is why I use the concealer.”

Hux cups Ren’s chin in his hand and examines the long-healed rip in his roommate’s face,  
“I understand why you do in public, but why hide it from me?”

Ren shrugs,  
“I’ve never actually shown anyone my shoulder and hip scars before. Usually as soon as I show any potential boyfriends the ones on my arms, they dump me because they think I’m still unstable.”

“I’m the first person who’s ever just accepted them?”

“Yep,” Ren says quietly, “You’re the first person who’s ever just gone, okay so you have scars, big deal.”

“I didn’t say it like that, that makes it sound really callous.” Hux protests.

Ren grins,  
“I don’t mind. It was kind of nice to have someone not care about them.” Seeing Hux’s face, he amends his statement, “Not like that, I’m explaining this badly.”

Hux pulls a face,  
“You’re making me sound really heartless, Ren. I’m hurt.”

This makes Ren laugh,  
“No, I didn’t mean it like that. It was sweet. I mean, you didn’t see the scars as being all of me, like you saw there was more to me than just my past.”

“Of course there is. And there’s more to your past than just your scars, Ren.” Hux gives Ren a long look, “If you ever feel up to telling me the story behind your scars, you know I’ll be more than happy to listen.”

When Ren’s shoulders start shaking again, Hux almost leans forward to comfort him. Then he realises that Ren isn’t crying anymore, he’s laughing.

“What?” Hux says, a frown creasing his forehead.

Between fits of laughter, Ren manages to gasp,  
“If I ever tell you, you’re going to want to have lots of tissues. Since I always seem to end up in tears.” Then he collapses sideways in hysterics.

Hux just rolls his eyes and chuckles at the sight of Kylo Ren, who just a few minutes ago was in tears, rolling around on the floor, laughing so hard he’s almost not breathing.

When Ren’s laughter finally dies down, he takes a deep gasping breath and then winces,  
“Ow…”

Hux helps him sit up,  
“Did you hurt yourself?”

Ren grins lopsidedly,  
“Nah, not really. My stomach just hurts from all that crying and then laughing too hard.” He blinks up at Hux from under his long lashes, “Thank you, by the way.”

“For what?” Hux asks, grinning, “For making you laugh so hard you gave yourself a stomach-ache?”

Ren makes an acquiescing gesture with one hand,  
“That too. I meant for last night and then just now.”

Hux kisses his forehead,  
“You’re welcome.”

They sit for a moment, as Ren gets his breath back. Hux would be quite happy to just sit like this all morning, feeling Ren’s breathing slowly even out. But he can feel his insides protesting their hunger, so he untangles himself and stands up.

“Do you want breakfast?”

Ren takes the proffered hand and is hauled to his feet. He grins,  
“Are you seriously asking that? Or can you really not hear my stomach growling? I’m starving.” He bites his lip and looks slightly guilty, “Probably because I haven’t eaten anything since breakfast yesterday.”

“What?” Hux is in outrage as he follows Ren into the kitchen, “Ren! You need to eat more. No wonder you’re so skinny.” He prods Ren’s abdomen.

Ren puts bread in the toaster and starts making tea, skillfully avoiding Hux’s hands,  
“You’re no better than me.” He says with a laugh, “And besides, at least I have some muscle, even if it’s lean.”

Hux glares at his room-mate,  
“What exactly is that supposed to mean?”

The grin Ren shoots him is pure cheek, all sparkling eyes and tongue and white teeth.  
“At least my stomach’s only flat. You’re so skinny, yours is actually concave.”

Hux cross his arms over his stomach, as if to protect it from Ren’s jibe,  
“So what?”

“So nothing,” Ren says with a shrug, “I love you the way you are, I don’t care if your stomach’s concave.”

That statement throws Hux and he has to sit down at the table, head in hands. Ren’s never said it out loud before, they’ve never actually admitted what this is to each other. It’s unsettling.

Ren places a cup of coffee in front of Hux and sits next to him,  
“You okay? Did I say something to upset you?”

“No,” Hux manages to say. He lifts his head to look into Ren’s warm brown eyes, “Do you mean it? You actually love me?”

Ren rests one of his hands on Hux’s arm, a small smile gracing his lips,  
“Of course I mean it, I wouldn’t say it otherwise.” He pulls back, wrapping his hands around his own cup and looking a bit nervous, “Unless you don’t feel the same way, in which case forget it.”

Hux removes Ren’s cup from his hands and sets it aside. Then he leans across the table and takes both of Ren’s hands in his. The scar slashed across Ren’s face does very little to detract from his rather unique appeal, if anything it makes his somewhat uneven face more pleasing. Ren’s deep chocolate brown eyes meet Hux’s greyish green ones.

“I do feel the same way,” Hux says softly, speaking almost reverently, “But I was so afraid you didn’t feel the same way that I left it alone, ever since that day you ended up in tears.”

“It was only because I was still self-conscious about my scars. I thought I’d scared you off.” Ren’s eyes are shining, not with tears but from within.

Hux leans closer until their noses are almost touching.  
“Never,” he whispers, “You could never scare me away, Ren. I love you, and nothing’s ever going to change that.”

Ren pulls at his bottom lip with his teeth,  
“Then I guess you won’t mind if I do this, will you?”

Before Hux can reply or ask him to explain, Ren has leaned forward and kissed him. Gently and sweetly and on the lips, the way Hux has wanted to kiss him for ages. As kisses go, it’s fairly quick, but Hux somehow can’t bring himself to mind.

Ren looks as though he’s thinking about doing it again, when the toaster beeps.

“Breakfast?” Hux says with a smile.

“Breakfast,” Ren agrees.

* * *

 

Since it’s a Saturday and they have no plans, they don’t bother getting dressed. Normally Hux would be disgusted by this, but there’s something strangely appealing about sitting around in your pyjamas when your boyfriend’s doing the same. That begs the question.

“Ren, are we boyfriends?”

Ren cranes his neck to look up at Hux. They’re on the couch, watching some awful Saturday morning superhero cartoon. Ren is lying against Hux, one of the cushions hugged against his chest and Hux’s hands in his hair.

“Sorry?”

Hux sighs and repeats his question,  
“Are we boyfriends?”

Ren shifts a little,  
“I’ve never really been one for labelling things, but yes, I suppose we are.”

“And you do actually love me?” Hux winds one of Ren’s curls around his finger.

At this, Ren sits up and twists round to look at Hux properly. There’s a slightly reproachful look in his eyes.  
“Did our kiss earlier count for nothing? Or do I have to prove my love for you again, Hux?”

Hux shrugs,  
“Just checking. Although I wouldn’t be opposed to being kissed again.”

It’s a rather awkward position for Ren, but somehow he manages to make their lips meet without falling off the couch. This one lasts considerably longer, long enough that they’re both a bit out of breath when they break apart.

“Happy now?” Ren smirks.

Hux pulls Ren back against him,  
“Yes.” He strokes Ren’s thick dark hair, “Would you like me to return the sentiment?”

Ren lifts one shoulder nonchalantly,  
“If you feel you have to, though the kissing was enough of a confirmation for me.”

Hux leans down to kiss Ren’s cheekbone, right where the scar splits his face in two,  
“Well then, I do love you, Kylo Ren. Scars and all.”

**Author's Note:**

> So that's that. Our two favourite awkward space dorks are together again. They're really not very good at communicating, are they?  
> The only bit where this felt mildly odd is where Ren suddenly bursts out laughing after his crying fit. But that's something I do, so it makes sense to me. Along with the stomach-ache afterwards. :)
> 
> Come talk to me on tumblr @sebastianthegiraffe mostly I just rant about things.


End file.
